Know When To Hold Me
by Boston Tiger
Summary: Mac confronts her past and future. She needs to be held and finally she figures out what she desires has been beside her all along


**Know when to hold me  
**  
**Harm's Apartment, Union Station  
**  
Mac came with me to my apartment after Webb's service. It was hard on her. I truly believe she had feelings for him. I am confused as to why. I want to be the man for her. I guess the difference is that I never TOLD her I loved her. Yea, I may have cryptically proved it to her, but I never told her.  
  
"Mac, here is a change of clothes so you can be comfortable."  
  
Mac took the clothes from Harm and went into the bathroom. Her body ached; her mind ached as she slowly took off her clothes. She laughed at the Navy T Shirt. Harm just loved it when she had to wear Navy clothes, but, at least she left her Marine shorts there months ago.  
  
Mac ran her hand over the scar left from the poacher's buckshot. What a day that was, she recalled. He was so compassionate and apologetic that he calmed my fears that night we spent in the woods. I remember waking up and we were facing each other under the brush with his arm over me to keep me warm. "Sorry, no room service here" sang his sweet silky voice to my protest of no cappuccino, breakfast and a warm bed. I remember how mean I was to him, almost just as mean as Paraguay, teasing him about his "Sarah". Then he quietly explained about his father and grandfather. I felt bad and it was then that I wanted to learn more about this man. So in the woods of Virginia began my 9 year ordeal into what kind of person Harmon Rabb, Jr., really was. Little did I know that I had a lot to learn about his complex personality. The next day when the situation got worse, he promised me he would get me out of there. I believed him. I felt this strong bond to him then and felt that I would be able to always trust his word. All this when we just started working together a few weeks earlier.  
  
"I put some tea on and I have your favorite cookies to snack on." Harm yelled toward the bedroom.  
  
Mac came out, smiled and chuckled at him "You always know how to cheer me up. Why is that Harm?"  
  
"Why is what, Mac?" Harm was trying to keep any talk neutral for now. He moved to bring the tea and cookies to the coffee table.  
  
"Why are you always here when the other men in my life leave?" She asked him a similar question last week and got an answer that changed her life. Mac was still insecure about this whole new relationship with Harm. She needed more reasons why. "Why haven't you left me, too?"  
  
"Mac, it's getting late for such an involved question. You have been through a lot today. Shouldn't you relax? Here let me rub your shoulders."  
  
Harm led Mac over to the couch and sat her on the floor. He straddled her body with his long legs. Gently, but firmly he rubbed her shoulders. It felt like heaven to her. Harm knew just what to do. It's in his touch, his way with words and in his smile. Mac began to put the pieces together. There is no way to measure what he has done for me all these years, the way he gets through to me.  
  
"You don't understand, Harm, what I'm trying to say. I have trouble sorting this all out it all. I bounces around in my head and I can't seem to get a hold of my life anymore."  
  
"Alright, Mac, explain it to me. I'm listening. We have all night and I'm not going anywhere". Again, as always, she believed him.  
  
"That's just it, Harm, you never go anywhere. No matter what I do or say, you are always here."  
  
"Why wouldn't I be? There is no where else on this earth I would rather be, Mac, than by your side." Harm stopped the massage and rested his chin on her shoulder causing Mac to scrunch up her shoulders. His breath sent an exciting chill down her neck. She broke his embrace and stood up in front of him with a look that had fear, anger, desperation and happiness written all over it. Harm didn't know which emotion would talk first. He knew he would find out soon enough. He also knew the tea was going to get cold.  
  
"All the men in my life – you can pick out any one of them, were never there for me unconditionally like you are. Even when I told you '**Never**" you were always on my mind and in my thoughts. I thought I lost you forever after you were fired from JAG and when you went to the CIA I was so scared. Still during all those months we were estranged but I felt you, like you were still close to me somehow." Harm nodded, knowing better to interrupt her when she is like this.  
  
"I now realize that SAYING you'll be there and actually being there are two different things. John, Chris, Dalton, Mic and especially Webb – they said what I wanted to hear, but never did what I really needed them to do, they were never _THERE_ when I needed them to be."  
  
Harm didn't know who she was talking about now, but assumed it was Webb.  
  
"All I wanted is for him to **know when to hold me**. I want him to know without me even telling him. To know when I'm down, in a funk, just feeling sad and blue or when I've had a hard day. On the other hand, why can't he know when I'm feeling sexy and desirable so we can share our love? It was more like a planned roll in the sack sort of thing. Why didn't he ever know just the right time to say I love you?"  
  
Here it comes, thought Harm. Yes, Mac, let it all out.  
  
"I want him to know just from looking into my eyes that I needed him. I want him to understand the tone of my voice and with the shrug of my shoulders that I really need a hug or just his touch. I want him to know enough to let me shout my anger and not shush me up. I want him to call me to let me know I'm on his mind."  
  
Mac paced back and forth. She isn't talking directly to Harm; she is talking to the ghosts of her past lovers. This maybe the best therapy for her yet.  
  
"I want him to know how miserable I am when I get a cold and when I need a cup of steaming hot tea. Just to smile at me, hold my hand, wipe my tears, and surround me in his arms. I want him to know when to draw me a bath, when to send me flowers, when to leave me alone. I want him to know when my feet hurt from the dam shoes I wear every day, what movies I like, what perfume I wear. That is love, that is understanding and that is knowing each other. That is what soul mates do. They just know."  
  
Mac's body language was now more animated than Harm has ever seen. Her arms were flailing all over as she walked around the apartment. Yes, this is the best therapy.  
  
"I want him to know that sometimes I need to be selfish. That I need sometimes for him to meet me more than half way. I want him to know just what sends me over the edge. I want him to know what special place on my neck that turns me into jello. I want him to know just what I need whispered in my ear."  
  
Barely taking a breath, Mac continues  
  
"I want him to sense when I am strong or when I am weak. That I can take care of myself, but sometimes I am too dam tired and hurt and I need help. I want us to have a sixth sense about each other and to always know where we are. At the end of the day, I want to see his smile and to know where I belong."  
  
Mac mocked laugh thinking back to her and Harm on the Russian and American submarines. Submarines that almost blew each other out of the water. As they returned to JAG Harm made a point of saying _**"I always know where you are**_."  
  
Then her voice became hushed almost to the point that Harm thought she would cry, but she didn't, she continued.  
  
"Harm, remember in Paraguay when I asked you what it is that you want from me and you responded '_**operating instructions would be nice'**_?" Harm nodded.  
  
"Well, that was the only time you didn't know what to do for me. I told you I needed very little. I really just needed to be held. You didn't know because neither you nor I were thinking straight. We were out of character. When I think back, it's like two ugly people took over our bodies and minds. I chalk all that bickering and misunderstanding to my trauma and your concussion. I really need you to know, Harm, that we were terrible to each other and we were wrong. At the hotel, we should have...we should have....." Mac puts her hand over her mouth, not continuing the sentence. "I am embarrassed and I am sorry."  
  
Mac hesitated, took a breath of air as to clean her lungs out of all the bad memories that still haunted her.  
  
"Mac, believe me, of all the things that could have happened down there, that isn't what I envisioned either. I didn't help you enough, I didn't understand you. No, I didn't even hold you or comfort you. I was so wrong, too, and I am sorry."  
  
"Harm that was the first and only time we ever failed each other. We may have missed covering each other sixes a couple of times, but we never failed each other like we did then. After all our other problems, like after Mic left, we went back to our friendship and continued on. Not this time, no, Paraguay nearly finished us. We went through months of enduring a lost friendship and I missed you."  
  
"Mac, it's over now and we both have to work through it and continue on with our lives. But we need to do it together. We need to move on."  
  
"Ha, move on? With my track record with men? From Farrow to Webb, they never knew what I really needed. They took from me but never gave back. Flowers for sex, sweet talk for sex. I was a trophy to Mic, I was money to Chris, I was a young woman for John, I was a showpiece for Dalton and I was just there for convenience to Webb. I hated to wake up and feel empty the next morning while he wanted more. I hated not feeling full and satisfied. I tried to talk myself into so many things so I could have a good relationship with a man, but it never worked."  
  
Now the tears were brimming in her eyes. Harm felt her pain. He wanted to take it all away from her memory but realized that she needs to get through this, admitting all this would let her move on. Harm wanted to be there when she does.  
  
**PART 2  
**  
"I am tired of aching for all the right things. I am tired of pretending to be someone I'm not when I'm with a man. I want comfortable silence. I want laughter, spontaneity, intimacy and pure, unconditional love. I want to be appreciated, made to feel like I am beautiful and worthy of it all. At the end of the day, I want him **to just hold me**."  
  
"No one is ever there to do any of those things." Mac sat hard on the sofa. She was drained.  
  
Harm turned Mac to face him and he began to speak.  
  
"Mac, do you know what you do to me? I never knew until now that the day we met in the Rose Garden would change my life. You had my heart from the first word you ever said to me, '_Mac_'. The most beautiful word in the world.  
  
Embarrassed somewhat, Mac whispered, "You remember the roses that day?"  
  
"How could I ever forget you and the aroma of those beautiful roses" he tenderly smiled and whispered softly back to her. "How could I forget the Admiral warning us not to get involved? Between us, I think he has changed his mind"  
  
"And I thought you were only thinking about Diane" Mac gave him a half smile back.  
  
"Not after I looked into your eyes when you told me about Red Rock Mesa. I knew then the differences between you and Diane and it was you that touched my heart" Harm studied her lovingly, hoping she would see the emotion in his face and she did. She stared right back into those beautiful eyes of his, letting herself go, letting herself heal in his strength.  
  
"Hell, I jumped the helo's landing skid to get to you during our first case out." Harm could remember how helpless he felt when the marine held Mac at gun point and pushed her into the helo. He remembered the sinking feeling when it left the ground. They stared at each other for those few seconds before take off and it was beyond both their comprehensions as to the meaning of that look. Years later as they think back to that very moment they realize that being each other's partner was too mean more than they ever thought possible.  
  
"I swam the Atlantic Ocean to get back to where I belonged. Back to you. I was actually relieved when flying let me go. Letting me go back to you. Yea, and those poachers!", Harm exclaimed, "I'm still feeling guilty about the slug you took. Remember when we went to find Rivers and we ate in that diner? That joker all most had it coming to him for the way he stared at you. And, Dalton, I won't even begin to tell you how much he and his money law firm bugged me."  
  
"God, Harm, I never knew you were so jealous" said Mac, trying to hide her smile.  
  
"Neither did I, Mac. I never knew where that was all leading. Now I realize it was leading me to you and like a fool I kept throwing it away."  
  
Harm was so cute when he carried on about her and other men. She remembered him the day he returned from flying. He followed her into her office saying '_**Mic's on your scent'**_ and _**'no man can be friends with a woman who looks like you'.  
**_  
Harm now was into his own healing. Mac let him talk. He needs this release, she thought.  
  
"Dam, Mac, I almost wanted to send Brumby back to Australia with a one way ticket for hurting you. For trying to convict you of murder and for leaving you at the altar. It's funny, but if he never left, you wouldn't be here with me now. Maybe he did us a favor? And Webb, he put us in danger more times than I can count. This last time almost took you from me forever, and heaven help me, Mac, I can never forgive him or myself for letting that happen."  
  
"I think you and Brumby inflicted enough bruises on each other and Bud, don't forget"  
  
Yea" Harm replied with a boyish grin "I still feel bad about Bud". They both thought back to Bud mumbling around the office for months with his jaw wired shut. They both smiled shyly to each other.  
  
"Even at the Embassy, I was so angry because you were hit by that jerk. Webb put us in danger then, too. I hated when bad things happened to you. Like with Costner and Hodge, the rotten sons of ......."  
  
"Harm, look, you took care of me and but, don't forget, I also took care of myself. I'm a Marine, remember?"  
  
"How can I ever forget?" Harm sarcastically replied. They laughed together again. It felt good to do that, laugh together.  
  
"That's all over with now. No more stupid excursions from JAG. I'm through with that. Lawyering will suit me just fine. But, Webb is another story, Harm. I can't look at that logically yet. It's too fresh. Can you understand?"  
  
"Mac, I will give you the time and space you need to put Webb to rest. Trust me; I realize this is hard for you. It was hard for me being separated from you and in jail after Singer's death and after you helped me in Russia, I understand about time and space and the need to work things out."  
  
Harm held her hands, rubbing his thumbs over the softness of her skin.  
  
"Since the day I met you, I never had any other meaningful relationship with a woman. I could never say '_love_' to any of them. My walls went up because it wasn't you. My walls wouldn't even let you in because it hurt so much to see you with another man. I thought that if I told you what I really felt and you didn't feel the same, you would be lost to me forever. For nine years your hands have been around my heart and I never have been able to give it to anyone else." Harm tried to keep his voice from shaking as he spoke.  
  
Mac's chin trembled, but Harm continued with his heart felt confession.  
  
"If you don't love me Mac, I still would have done it all anyway. I would have loved you just the same. I want all of you Mac. I want the pieces of you I don't have yet. I stated my intentions by actions and you wanted words. I am a fool for not figuring that out. Well, I'm fighting for you and me now. I fought silently all these years, now I will fight for you using the words I could never speak before _'I Love You'_. I want you to know I'm so lonely without you that it hurts. No one could ever love you like I do."  
  
Harm placed his hand on Mac's face. She leaned into his hand as his fingers tangled in her hair. She can't control the tears, hearing things she already knew and learning more about the things she didn't know.  
  
**PART 3  
**  
Mac slowly pulled his hands away and stood up from the sofa, staring hard into Harm's eyes. She then looked him over, inspecting him like it's the first time she ever saw him. From his head to his toes, she looked him over. Yes, she thought _'you fool Mac'_. Harm has been everything that all those other men haven't been and more. He has been doing it for you all these years. He is your soul mate.  
  
**Reminisce, Harm's Apartment, Union Station**  
  
Harm was the one who understood my feelings against Holtz during the investigation of his wife. He came to my room to apologize after I shouted at him in the gym. Even back then he said **_"I don't give a dam about Holtz, but I do give a dam about you"  
_**  
Didn't Harm come to me when Dalton died and I paid him back with drunken hurtful words after I left McMurphy's bar?  
  
Didn't Harm rescue me after Chris was murdered? What did I do? I had dinner with Mic. Oh, God, what I fool I was.  
  
Didn't he ask me what he could do for me when Webb died?  
  
Didn't he insist I eat something to avoid low blood sugar when I was ranting and raving about Lt. Duncan's stolen hi tech secrets and how he conned me?  
  
I remember how strong Harm was when we waited for word on Bud. I cried at the thought of Bud dying. Harm caressed my shoulder and held my hand. He looked into my eyes and we could feel each other's pain. There was a connection. When we found out that Bud would pull through, then and only then, did Harm grieve for his best friend.  
  
Harm graciously helped me after the ride in the F-15 with Captain Hochausen. How embarrassed I was when Harm made sure my head was between my legs. I think he finds it funny when I lose my stomach contents when we fly. Yet, no matter where we are, he is there caring about me.  
  
When we defended Cpl. Wetzel regarding the custody of his baby, we had a nice dinner together. Harm actually brought up his jealousy towards Dalton. He admitted that if he was a civilian Dalton would have competition. Dalton drove a Porsche, but Harm flies Tomcats. Harm is a man of his word, loyal, trustworthy and always seeking the truth.  
  
All the other men in my life lied to me and hurt me. Not Harm. _He's Batman, I'm Robin. Butch and Sundance. Best friends. Partners.  
_  
Why couldn't I see that Harm sacrificed his heart and feelings for me because he thought I was happier with someone else? Ugh, how wrong I was! How cruel I was!  
  
How many times have we said to each other that we don't want to _'lose each other'_?  
  
How many times did he call me, visit me or come into my office and ask me if I was 'alright' or 'do you need anything' or 'do you want to get something to eat'. Wasn't I listening to him? His reason was because he loves me.  
  
At the Embassy, after another one of Webb's crazy schemes, it was he who suggested we go out more often. I agreed, but we never did.  
  
We knew the risk when we left each other in the desert in Iran, but we had to do our jobs. I needed a hug and so did he. I reached for him and held him in my arms. He reciprocated days later as soon as we rejoined him.  
  
The night of Webb's fake death attempt, Harm knew I needed to talk. I was such a cry baby. I was there to protect him and instead he came to me. He called me _Ninja Girl_. I liked that. Even when he calls me _Marine or Tiger_ – he respects my strength and gives me the room to grow. _Flyboy, Jarhead, Stickboy, Navy, Marine, Squid, Ninja Girl, Tiger_. We are a pair. We belong together to be complete and I never saw that.  
  
Working on the Watertown was difficult for us. We seemed to get in each other's way and on each other's nerves, but in the end, we worked it out. Harm saved my life and he held me until my breathing returned to a normal and my eyes were healed.  
  
Harm's caring was evident when I burned my hand on the USS Coral Sea. I, in turn, insulted his meatloaf. Well, I guess he deserved that one.  
  
Harm talked sense into me about going to my father on his deathbed. I didn't realize how right he was at the time. What did he say '_Every time a man tells you your worth something, you push_ _him away_?' Harm told me on more than one occasion how worthy I am as a woman, as a lawyer and as a marine and I never listened.  
  
Now for the baby deal, no man makes an arrangement like that without serious feelings. Why was I blind to it?  
  
Harm soothed me when Chloe and Lillyanna were missing. He told me I had "_great maternal_ _instinct_s". He sees that in me when I can't see it myself.  
  
Wearing the abaya drove me wild. I felt like I ceased to exist... He told me "_I knew you were_ _there_" and I believed he did.  
  
I remember that Christmas when Chloe ran away from home and I was worried about my Article 32 hearing. Harm told me "_You're a lean mean fighting marine and you have me backing_ _you up. What could be b_etter?" How right he was. He has always backed me up, took care of my six.  
  
That last Christmas at Bud's could have been a disaster. Harm and the CAG had a narrow escape from tragedy. I was so relieved when he came through the front door, sat across from me and raised his wine glass. I knew he would be there for me.  
  
What about that hypothermia line while we slept in the desert in Afghanistan? I fell for that line and I did't care. It was wonderful to be in his arms, until the bombs fell.  
  
I know things changed in Australia. Harm seemed so jealous about Mic, so I tested the waters and really thought the time could be right for us. I made the move and he asked me to wait. I asked him if he was only this way with me. Harm answered '_only with you'_. I didn't feel flattered. I felt the rejection. I didn't get it then but the more I think about it now it all makes sense. He wouldn't take me for a one night stand; he would only take me when he could commit himself totally.  
  
My engagement party changed everything. I was so confused about what I wanted and what Harm wanted. Again, miscommunication sent us home without each other. I just have the memories of that amazing kiss.  
  
My rehearsal dinner nearly pushed me over the edge. He crashed in the Atlantic and my sixth sense found him. It should have proved to me how in tune we are with each other and how we always know where each other are. He said '_come to me'_. I went, but bad timing with Renee forced us to wait. Waiting isn't good when it comes to Harm and I. We always seem to table discussions and we never give each other a chance.  
  
I was lost and tortured in Paraguay; he found me and rescued me. Again, miscommunication and trauma nearly ended our friendship.  
  
After my surgery when I finally made it to the Admiral's party. I was curious to see who Harm escorted to the dinner. "_I'm here with you_" he told me as he looks at me with such loving eyes. So when he told me he still wanted the baby deal to go on, well, everything just clicked. All these years, all those times I cried, all those other men and look – Harm is right here.  
  
His playbook has never been lost on me. Not only can I read his mind in court, but I can read into the way he walks and can read into his body language. We know each other so well, but we can be strangers to each other when it comes to our personal relationship.  
  
Still, I know the way he smiles, half a grin, wide grin, a grin just enough to expose his tongue and just what he means by each smile. I can tell when he wants a favor, when he is sly, shy and full of love.  
  
I know his eyes and how I get lost when I look into them, when they are hard with anger or soft with emotion. His eyebrows, silly I know, raise one, raise both, whatever his expression I can read into his soul. I remember the look at the club when we were with Renee and Mic. Harm's gaze was penetrated my heart. I was with the wrong man again.  
  
I remember the look he gave me from across his desk when I came back from my father's burial. It was so intense at one point that I had to look away.  
  
The look when he said goodbye to Kate. What did she say to him to make him look at me that way?  
  
When Mic came to me at the Surface Warfare Ball, Harm turned to me and the look in his eyes was so sad. He was trying to reach out. He was trying to tell me something. Why didn't I see it? Oh, those beautiful eyes.  
  
His voice – velvet, soft and sexy. I have heard him bark orders and holler just a few times. A good example was with Roscoe and Lt Rivers. His voice is usually smooth as silk and there is something about his voice that is amazing, when he said 'come to me' or '_come on in I'll make it_ _worth your while'_ or '_only with you'_ or '_I'm glad you're here'_. There seems to be a tone he uses only for me. I could close my eyes and just listen to his voice. That tone, even tonight, comforts me.  
  
**Back to Reality – Harm's Apartment, Union Station  
**  
It is all much clearer now as I stare back at Harm. He is the man who completes all of my dreams, desires. He has been here for 9 years. He knows me inside and out. He has shown me more understanding and love than anyone else on this planet. Why did I fight all these emotions I have for him? How could I go to another? I should have fought harder for myself and for Harm.  
  
God, I just _want to be held, to be held_ by Harm.  
  
Now, I struggle with my health. The thought of ever having a baby may be gone and Harm is sitting right here with me.  
  
Harm gets up and comes over to me, snapping me back to reality.  
  
**PART 4  
**  
Mac's face is red; her eyes swollen with tears and her hands are trembling. She resists his touch, but Harm just holds her tight and hugs her then runs his hands up and down her arms and back, whispering "It's all right, Mac. I'm here."  
  
He does what I need him to do. _He holds me_.  
  
"Harm, were we meant to be together? Is this our fortune? Our destiny? I mean, after all that has happened, all the people that have come and gone in our lives, we are here - together. You and Me."  
  
"Mac, I have always known..... I have always stumbled when it comes to really telling you what I think. There is no one to interrupt us now. No tabling discussions. No foreign countries, no guns, no significant others. I love you. I want you and '_never_' is not an option. I am so ashamed for letting us get to this point. We lost our way and all that is over now, Mac. I won't ever let you go."  
  
"Even if I can't have babies, even if I'm carrying around so much emotional baggage that, that....." Mac can't continue because she is crying too hard.  
  
"Mac, I'll carry your baggage home, put it away and throw out what we don't need, ok? As for babies, well, we will cross that bridge when we get to it. We will go for second opinions and work it out together. Remember Mac that I don't always want to be on top, I want to be beside you, next to you and you can choose whose turn it is to be on top. Ok?"  
  
"You mean it?" Mac looked up at Harm and placed her hands flat on his chest. His arms still encircled her waist.  
  
Yea, Mac, I mean it, we have each other. Do you remember our fortunes the night of Coates' promotion? I know we had the same one because I saw it in your plate. Remember, it went something like _"Your unspoken desire is the road not taken_."  
  
"_Take It_" Mac finished his sentence starring into Harm's eyes.  
  
"I dreamt once that you were secret desire and that my fortune and destiny are both wrapped up in you. Mac, the only dance I want with you is the one where you are in my arms. So, if we are so in tune with each other's thoughts" Harm places quick kisses on Mac's forehead, cheeks, nose, lips and neck, "then what am I thinking about now?"  
  
Mac tries to read his playbook, 'Chapter Seduction', as she looks into his eyes before closing her own and she concentrates on his sweet, sultry voice. Her head is titled back to give Harm plenty of neck to kiss. "Hmmm, Harm, I don't know. What are you thinking?"  
  
"Come on, Marine, play along" Harm pulls up her Navy t-shirt and rubs her back, still kissing her neck. Mac's legs turn to jello and she leans fully into Harm.  
  
"Oh," Mac springs back to reality as she feels his body pressing into hers. "Oh, my, I sense that I'm thinking the same thing as you."  
  
Harm smiles and leads her into his bedroom. Mac opens her eyes quickly and smiles.  
  
"Yes, Navy, this is exactly what I was thinking. You **know when I need to be held**, don't you? You know everything about me."  
  
"Not everything, Mac, but I will soon. I want to know all about you."  
  
Recalling their past has brought them a future.  
  
It was there all along and they couldn't see it until now. Their answers came when they held each other. They loved each other all through the night. Neither thought it would ever feel this way.  
  
Her skin, his muscles, her hair, his sweet whispers.  
  
Mac felt full with Harm inside her. Harm found those missing pieces. He couldn't believe Mac fit to him so perfectly. Their love making was slow and precise.  
  
Mac truly felt loved by Harm and sometime during the night Mac told him she did love him and she loved him from the moment he asked her for '_permission to come aboard'_. Oh, yes, she thought, this was going to be some partnership. It turned out magical and this magic would last a lifetime. Everything they ever wanted was here, all this time, it was right in front of them. 


End file.
